What Happened To The Rapture, And Why Are We Still Here?

storm clouds — Source: James Dandy / Getty

Welp, y’all did it to us again…

Folks neglected to call out from work, cancel that Amazon order they knew they couldn’t afford, and delete those recorded confessions they sent to their spouses about their sidepieces — all because a rapture was supposed to happen Tuesday, and, wouldn’t you know it, the day came and went without the world ending, the chosen people receiving their heavenly reward, and Beyoncé meeting everyone at the pearly gates with a loaded up sub sandwich and a glass of top-shelf cognac. (Look, don’t tell me what my rapture is supposed to look like — that’s what it looks like.)

To be fair, a lot of folks on TikTok, which is reportedly the main source for the latest rapture rumors, have claimed the apocalyptic event would be upon us on Wednesday at the latest, if not Tuesday. So, until the clock strikes 12 a.m., Thursday morning, some of you sinners might want to get to repenting before the CP time rapture finally comes through and you get sent to the lower room, where somebody is probably going to find themselves riding the bus on the highway to Hell next to Donald Trump, who will spend the entire time complaining about the yuge injustice of Jeffrey Epstein failing to reserve him a seat. (I was going to write in Charlie Kirk instead of Epstein, but y’all are not finna Jimmy Kimmel me over an anti-MAGA joke. How would I even know who would be on the Hellbound bus besides Laura Loomer and her plastic surgeon, anyway?)

For those who have no idea what the hell is going on, here’s a quick explanation of “RaptureTok,” via The Washington Post:

Apocalyptic influencers are all over social media with warnings, tips and tricks for the impending rapture, fueled largely by the predictions of an obscure pastor who linked biblical Armageddon to this week’s observance of the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashanah.

But the world has failed to end so many times before — the Y2K bug in 2000, the supposed Mayan apocalypse in 2012 and the notoriously flaky Planet X that was repeatedly predicted to smash into Earth during President Donald Trump’s first administration. It’s unclear how many of the influencers helping drive “RaptureTok” up the trending lists even take it seriously.

For example, what to make of the TikToker “rapture_now,” who laced his apocalyptic warnings with garish sound effects and talk of aliens (and who appears to have deleted several of his videos while this article was being written)?

Or the woman who prepared laminated index cards for anyone left behind on rapture day (“Where did everyone go?”), and organized the seven seals from the Book of Revelation into a color-coded bar chart?

Or Tilahun Desalegn, an online evangelist who has posted hundreds of ecstatic videos about the rapture for his nearly 30,000 followers and pointed to a blood moon in Australia as evidence?

Yeah — y’all are going to stop playing around in our faces with all this false end of the world talk. This is like the eighth scheduled rapture in the last decade or so to be canceled with no prior notice. Some of us RSVPed for this out of courtesy. God and Satan’s event planners could have at least given us a heads-up that it was postponed because Jesus got detained by ICE, or whatever.

I will say this: the one good thing to come out of the latest cosmic disappointment is that the post-non-rapture internet has all the jokes.

OK, that cheered me up a little, but I still feel played.

When I post-dated the check I sent my landlord on Monday, I was pretty confident THERE WOULD BE NO POST DATES!

I told my neighbors I was going to babysit their kids for free today. Now, they’re going to be mad at me for not showing up, and I’m going to have to explain to them that NOBODY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SHOWING UP!

I even threw my lottery ticket away because — what would be the point? Now if my numbers hit, I’m going to be like that one guy from Harlem Nights telling Sugar Ray, “Somebody gon’ take care of my money!”

Nah, y’all have played me for the fool for the last time. Next time there’s a planned rapture, I want my tickets comped or I’m not coming at all.

Y’all must be letting Lauryn Hill plan these raptures.

I don’t mean to let y’all make a Karen out of me, but I will be filing a sternly worded complaint with Heaven’s manager.

This is unacceptable.

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Wait, What Happened To The Rapture? Why Are We Still Here? Do I Still Have To Go To Work? was originally published on newsone.com