Reel It In: The Psychology of Feeling Unlovable

Middays with Shaila

A Powerful Reminder from Scottie Beam

On yesterday’s show, I played a clip from Scottie Beam’s Hi, I’m Uninspired podcast. In the Clip Scottie mentions that there are people who feel unloved, because they aren’t looking in the direction of self-love or the other forms of love that may be present in their lives.

My Take

The discussion hit home, and got me thinking: “It’s ok to sit on the pitty pot but eventually we’ve got to get up and FLUSH!” We have to be honest with ourselves. But more importantly, we have to let go and let God. Holding onto trauma keeps us stuck. Healing is the real work.

The Psychology of Feeling Unloved

That clip sent me down a research rabbit hole. The feeling of being unloved is real—but what causes it? It’s manufactured by our experiences, our programming—everything we’ve been through. And in the Black community, this feeling runs deep.

I found an article in Psychology Today that breaks it down. Feeling unloved can stem from:

Feeling unseen by parents
Betrayal in friendships or relationships
Abandonment by loved ones
Being dismissed or insulted by those close to us

The article states:

“Breaches of love, such as the fallout of romantic affairs, have the capacity to lead to full-blown PTSD. Think about that.”

The Black Experience & Emotional Healing

If we’re not in denial, we see this is a touchy, prevalent issue in our community. Generational trauma, societal neglect, and family dynamics all play a role. The pain is real—but so is the need to heal.

Here’s the Gist

The article goes on to say, [“There are adverse consequences of feeling unloved and unfortunately, love is not always easy to find. And it often has a way of dissipating over the course of relationships. So love is a tricky beast, to say the least. In fact, if you think about your lowest moments in life, my guess is that a good proportion of such moments might be found at times when you felt decidedly unloved. The older I get, the more I believe the best things in life are free. And love—true, mutual, unconditional love—is the key to happiness, whether it’s romantic or not.

On the flip side, feeling unloved is one of the lowest places a person can be. When Paul McCartney and John Lennon sang, “All you need is love,” they nailed it.

Seek love. Cultivate it. Because at the end of the day, love is what makes life worth living.]”

…and I agree 100 Percent!