6 Reasons You May Need To Delete Your Facebook Account

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Social media has taken over the world. This is a fact. Technically, there’s no reason to even leave your house or trailer to interact with other so-called human beings anymore. It wasn’t like that 10 years ago. It’s so bad now that people no longer communicate face-to-face and that makes perfect sense. It’s much easier to rest on your hind quarters and pound away at a keyboard than it is to walk out to your car, waste gas, and go sit in someone’s smelly house.

Perhaps the most dastardly of all social sites is Facebook. Not only does it cause addiction with its hypnotic array of games, but it seems to control people’s minds as well as their actions. Before you know it, it has made you it’s puppet. And if not you, then surely someone you know. For the love of God, save yourself before it’s too late.

With that being said, it may be time to delete your account and go back to the old school way of communicating — conversation. Why? Well here are 6 possible reasons…

Your Ex-Lovers Are Probably Stalking You

Your old flames accept your friend requests for 3 reasons: to see how your life turned out without them, to laugh at your problems, and to keep tabs on your struggles.

Blocking or unfriending an ex-love interest may not be enough because a true Facebook stalker has already made your friends their friends and of course you don’t check your privacy settings as frequently as you should. At this point, it may be time to take your tales of defeat and episodes of actuality to Google+ because surely the ratchets you loved and left aren’t “hanging out” over there. (See what I did there?)

For those of you with baby mommas on Facebook, be especially careful what you say and do because not only is she looking for loopholes in your life, but she’s patiently waiting for ammunition, too. Post too many pictures of weed and she may notify child services, even if you’re just sharing a picture from your timeline. Talk about too many chicks and she’ll be inboxing them about the kind of guy you were. You can avoid this misery by just posting anonymously or migrating to Instagram, but that place isn’t really any less dangerous.

You Post Positive Messages And Get Ignored

Too many happy-go-lucky statuses are a turn-off and – contrary to popular belief – the internet hates positivity.

When you first joined FB, all your friends, new and old, loved your uplifting dialog, but now it’s become mundane and annoying to them. That’s why you only get “likes” from people you don’t even converse with. The “stay positive” vibe has run it’s course and it may be time to consider a new platform, like real world interaction.

See, what happened is that most of those people know you in real life and rather than call your bluff, they just ignore you now. Few things in life are sadder than some lonely troll typing 200 words about how good life has been to them only to get 3 comments and ZERO likes. If you don’t want to cancel your account, I suggest you at least adopt an alias to camouflage your overzealous optimism.

Your Parents Keep Requesting You

Parent friend requests are a death sentence, unless they live out of town or are otherwise too sickly to visit you.

Should you choose to accept, no more dirty jokes or racy reposts, all your business is now theirs as well, and you’ll have to limit the amount of porn pages are “like.” If you don’t accept, you’ll never hear the end of it. If your mom is anything like mine, family gatherings will become awkward and annoying because she’ll constantly remind you that you haven’t accepted her friend request yet.

Accepting their requests would be a plus when it comes to family events (because people don’t send out paper invitations nowadays), but doing so would be no different from granting a potential employer access to your FB login information. The last thing your mom needs to know about is your thirst for half-naked non-celebrities and fat girl fetish pages.

Only two options here: develop a brand new personality or abandon your account and head over to Black Twitter, the digital equivalent of Adolf Hitler and Louis Farrakhan starring in the most offensive movie of all time.

You Update Your Status Every 30 Minutes (Sometimes Just To Say You’re Bored)

You wake up every morning and grab for your phone before you grab breakfast or even your life partner and that is all bad.

Before you know it, you’re more concerned with your battery dying because you’d hate to miss an opportunity to tell your FB friends how awesome your day is, rather than not being able to call your ride or the paramedics if need be. You now officially rely on Facebook as your personal bullhorn, shouting and spouting to no one in particular, but don’t let your friend count fool you; they stopped listening some time ago. What you’ve done is actively replace real life relationships with social media and I’m sure that’s some sort of mental disorder. Not to mention, it’s all fun and games until bill collectors find you because you’re on their so much.

If you find yourself talking to the screen while you type or refreshing your page to see the amount of interaction that may not even be taking place, it’s probably time to put the device down and go to the mall or an amusement park or something. Worst case scenario, have some kids, because they always need someone to talk to.

You’d Rather “Inbox” A Person Than Dial Their Phone Number

It finally happened. You’ve become one with your Facebook account, and those real-world friends who aren’t on FB are no longer of importance to you.

Now you share every tidbit of your life on Facebook and depend on status updates to communicate with the world, even if it means becoming an introverted, anti-social hermit. You often find yourself with crooks and knots in your neck from looking down so much and constant headaches from squinting. You are in addict and are possibly in need of help, both physical and mental.

The part of your brain that once housed phone numbers and addresses is now only used to hunt down old friends and ex-colleagues in the search bar. You see buddies from back in the day and when they mention giving you a call, without hesitation, you reply, “Hit me on FB, bro!” But everybody isn’t on Facebook, even though you refuse to believe otherwise. At this point, it’s safe to say that you have no life and need to turn back before it’s too late.

You Think It’s Your Personal Mirror

As much as you love to see yourself, Facebook is not a mirror. For every selfie or profile picture you take, there are 37 people who don’t “like” it simply because it’s obvious you think you’re the best looking thing in cyberspace.

Keep in mind; your FB friends may legitimately care that your kid is in the hospital and they may even be interested in all the news stories you link to. They are not, however, as delighted with your 3-pictures-of-you-a-day-smiling-the-same-smile as you think they are. For this reason alone, Facebook should also include a “dislike” button. A sort of discouragement for those folks who have no idea what type of pressure they put on people when they turn FB into their personal dressing room mirror.

Meanwhile, a million girls with low self-esteem post more pictures of themselves doing nothing at all than they do of their own children being constructive and productive. The selfie craze is out of control, and if you’re one of the reasons that this is so, I hope you drop your phone and shatter the screen. Especially if you’re a professional duckfacer.

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