It’s no secret that women can be a bit, shall we say, irrational at times, but men haven’t proven themselves to be 100 percent sane either. So in the interest of dating safely, here are ten signs that your guy might be a few sandwiches short of picnic.
1. Smothers brothers: He’s overbearing.
When I ask you why your last relationship ended and you stare off into the distance muttering, “I loved her too much… ” I hear this: “Because I’m annoying. I was on her like white on rice. And I’ll be all up under you the same way.” You may think stalking her was romantic, but I bet she got sick of you wondering about her whereabouts. Most women aren’t into smothering. I, too, will pass.
2. The uninvited: He’s all about the unexpected home visit.
I hate when people stop by unannounced, but when a guy I’m seeing “just happens to be in my neighborhood,” a red flag immediately raises. You live in another county, my dude, why are you all of a sudden, coincidentally down the block from me? You’re checking up on me, and I’m not feeling it.
3. What’s beef?: Wherever he goes a fight ensues.
I want a lover, not a fighter — most of the time. If we can’t go out without you fighting every male that “looked at you sideways,” this isn’t going to work. A shoot-out at the nightclub is not my idea of a good time. Like Chris Rock said, “If a guy steps on your Pumas… let it slide.”
4. Spaz-tastic: He throws temper tantrums… like a girl.
Any adult male that locks himself in a bathroom during an argument is questionable. It’s crazy when females pull this stunt, but with a guy, it’s just wrong. By bolting yourself in the toilet, I see that you have a few screws loose, and I’m not staying to witness how this episode ends.
5. Unknown caller: He blows up your phone on a regular basis.
If a guy’s blowing up my phone and then calls me from a blocked number, I still know it’s him! Clearly, I don’t want to talk to you or I would’ve answered your previous 20 phone calls. Occasionally, I’ll answer out of curiosity and discover, in dismay, that it’s still him. Now I’ve confirmed what he already knew — I’m avoiding him.
6. Computer love: He breaks into your e-mail account.
Any breach of privacy is unacceptable, but hacking into my e-mail really screams crazy. If you’ve cracked my password, which isn’t easy, I’m scared of what else you’re capable of. And please don’t get upset by what you found in my in-box. You shouldn’t have been snooping in the first place.
7. E-stalking: He Googled you to find out personal information.
If a girl tells you where she works and you Google her contact information, one of two things might happen. She’ll either be flattered or think you’re crazy — as in deranged. I lean toward the latter. She probably would’ve given you her number directly if she was interested but calling her j.o. for a second try isn’t a good look, homey.
8. Let’s (not) bet physical: He thinks abuse is funny.
Call me weird, but I’m not into the whole domestic violence thing. There will be no “Chris Brown versus Rihanna” re-enactments going on over here. So don’t think I’m going to stick around after you’ve “jokingly” announced that it’s sometimes okay to rough up women. I’ll take your inappropriate humor as a forewarning. Not interested.
9. (In)security Guard: He shows up at your job.
If I find you waiting outside of my office building, I’m definitely going to think you’ve lost your mind. This is my place of business. I don’t need to round the corner and see you cheesing, saying “I wanted to surprise you.” Surprise me with dinner or some flowers. I’d accept your presents with gratitude but your presence makes me think twice.
10. Denial: He can’t take a hint.
A few weeks have passed and I haven’t called, sent a text or dispatched a carrier pigeon, yet you still think that I’m interested. You’re either insane or plain dense to think I want anything to do with you at this point. The “she’s playing hard to get” only works for so long. Give it up!
11. Dumpster Diving: He goes through your garbage.
Going through a woman’s underwear drawer is kind of weird but still more acceptable than rifling through her trash. Are you trying to find out how much is in my bank account or swipe my social security number? Put your hands up and slowly step away from the recycling bin, Oscar the Grouch.