Dear Gay Best Friend,
Let me start off by saying that I love you. I look forward to seeing your posts every week, and I love your straight forward approach to things. I’m purchasing Mogul, today (YAY! Finally). But, I want your professional opinion.
I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years now. We live together and both work full-time. He has a great family and our families like both of us and both of us together. Well, my sex life sucks monkey balls. Normally you hear men complain about women or their wives not giving it up, well in this instance it’s completely the other way around. We have a 7 year age difference. He’s 30 and I’m 23. He’s never been married nor does he bare any children (other qualities that attracted me to him).
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Well, when it comes to sex, we speak a totally different language. I’m a very sexual and affectionate person (I’m a Scorpio). I love to kiss, touch, etc. Basically do things that people in love and relationships do. Well he’s totally not into any of that. When it comes to kissing, he’s a pecker. When it comes to touching, he doesn’t. I’m an attractive woman so I’ve asked numerous of times is he still attracted to me, and he says yes, but I couldn’t tell from our sex life.
Let me give you two scenarios before we have sex or I attempt to have sex. I’ll ask (Yeah, I can’t believe it either sometimes) if he wants to and he’ll make that, “I don’t care” face. What person do you know does that? Then he’ll be like, “I’m watching TV” or, “I’m tired,” and it takes me getting upset for him to be like, “Oh, alright then,” (I’m like really dude?). Next scenario, we’ll be in bed or on the couch and I’ll initiate by kissing or touching on him and he’s ready in a flash, but when it comes to turning me on or getting me in the mood he does nothing. He expects me to just be ready like that. I tell him that I’m a woman and you have to get me in the mood. It always falls upon deaf ears, so needless to say that I have to use some hand action for myself, then it goes down and 5 minutes later it’s over. I then look at him like let’s go at it again, and he’ll be like, “Let me rest.” I have needs also.
I had a silver bullet that had to suffice when he wouldn’t want to have sex and he was actually jealous of it. He thinks all that is taboo. I asked him how was his sex life with his exes because maybe that’s why they broke up. Everything else is okay in our relationship except our sex lives. I need your advice. Should sex be a reason to stay or leave a relationship? – I Have Needs
Dear Ms. I Have Needs,
Thank you for the love, DIVA! I appreciate it very much! And, I do hope you enjoy your copy of my novel, MOGUL.
But, Baby, talking about incompatibility! Your bodies and sexual desires are on two different pages, in two different books, and in two different genres. You’re an erotica book and he’s a mystery novel. LMBAO!
Unfortunately, sex is the reason why a lot of people end their relationships. They just are not compatible sexually. But, perhaps you should explore all the options before you dip out on your man.
The oddity isn’t unusual. However, it’s rather getting both your needs in sync with one another, and it’s going to take learning one another’s sexual cycles. Yes, I said sexual cycle. There are folks who are like you who very sexual and can go on and on and on and on. Chile, you can get turned on by the wind blowing on your clit or breasts. You’re just ready! However, for him, he’s like most people who are not extremely sexual, and the need and desire for sex is not as important or necessary. So, unfortunately, you have to learn his sexual cycle and when he’s most excited, and most turned on.
Notice the days, and times of day he is usually turned on. Is he an early morning wake-up and get it type of person, or is he a late night before bed type of person? Does he like it mid-day, or in the evening right before the game, or right after? And, when he gets in the mood what is going on? What is the look in his eye, is it right after work, or after he’s had time to settle in? How is his body responding when you are touching him in certain spots and kissing him or fondling him? Also, is your man verbal? Does he like talking or for you to respond to how he’s handling you?
Sometimes setting the mood also helps, but keep in mind that men don’t need the candles, incense, and romantic backdrop for sex to happen, women need all that. But, if you need it, then create it. When he sees it he’ll know that you’re ready for some action. But, maybe and perhaps, he likes whip cream, chocolate syrup, flavored oils, and some music. You guys have got to work together and create the magic you both desire and need.
Sex in relationships is just like verbal communication. You have to talk to one another about your desires, likes, needs, and wants. You have to express to your mate what turns you on, what turns you off, and where to lick, stick, suck, and touch. And, it takes showing them, placing their hands and mouth on the parts that excite you. If you let him know where your spots are, and vice-versa, your sex life will be very vibrant and exciting. But, it takes communicating. When he touches you in a way that excites you, let him know by responding with a noise, or saying, “Yes, daddy, that’s it!” And, work your body in tune with his touches. Pop that punany and back it up on him! Explore new positions – let him put his thang in between your breasts; work your oral skills; try reverse cowgirl; blow bubbles in his a**! You’re a freak, hell, let the freak out!!!
GIRL, YOU’VE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER AND FIND THIS OUT.
And, yes, the age difference does matter. He’s 30-years old and you’re 23-years old. He should still be sexually active, but he is getting older and his sex drive may be declining. You mentioned he has a full-time job. There could be pressures and stresses from work that he is holding on to and it’s affecting his sexual appetite. And, if his job is physically demanding, then I’m certain he doesn’t want to work all day doing manual labor and then have to come home and do more manual labor by handling you and throwing you around the bed, picking you up, carrying you around the house, and acting like a sex maniac.
Also, try spontaneity sex. When he walks in the door, be there waiting on him in the nude, and drop down to your knees and tea bag him. Service him right at the front door. Or, be waiting in the kitchen with only an apron on cooking. Hell, sometimes you’ve got to change the scenery and environment. Have him meet you at a hotel or some discreet location, and when he arrives there you are with only a mink coat on and nothing underneath. Seduce him. Create fantasies, and I’m certain his sexual energy and desire will increase! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
"I Love My Man, But In The Bedroom He’s Not Fulfilling My Desires" was originally published on hellobeautiful.com